When seeing cute little pink outfits make you cry

The title of this blog summarizes my present state of mind, again, yes this is happening AGAIN!! Today the world was rejoicing that the royal family welcomed a new little boy. Well today I cried as I saw the Serena & Lily catalog (beautiful bedding for a little girl). It seems like little girls are being born more than little boys. I began to wonder then I thought it must be my frame of mind. 

I go through phases and this state of mind comes around every few months. I get sad, I cry, I pout, I ask God why I don't have a little girl, then I ask God how will I manage the toddler boy I currently have, I cry more, get depressed, and finally choose not to tell anyone how I am feeling. So once again I am writing it out, maybe this will help. Cheaper than seeing a counselor or a therapist. Here goes nothing... 

I have to admit that I really want a little girl but apprehensive about getting pregnant and then finding out we would be having another boy. There is no fool proof way to 110% guarantee a girl. With that said, I feel stuck. Stuck in the sense that I cannot get what I desire SO much! How can this be? I can easily go to my favorite store and pick out a pair of shoes that I adore but I cannot get that cute little girl that I so desire. Yes, I have tried praying and asking God for direction or to eliminate this desire and make me happy right where I am. This has to be a hormonal issue because if it isn't then I have no clue what it could be (lack of pink girlie things syndrome!) People don't get me wrong if I don't go head over heels when I hear you announce that you are having a girl. Now you know why. This has not been an easy road for me and I just hope and pray that the road ahead will get better. I won't be going to the nail salon with my daughter nor will I enjoy a fun filled day of shopping. Why oh why do I continue to think of the things that I will not be doing and focus on the things I can do with my son. As I lay here on my bed, typing out this blog, I'm an emotional mess and my hubby is asking me why. I proceed to tell him nothing, in hopes that he won't ask another question. Yes, I just pulled the typical "nothing is wrong with me" line and expecting it to work. I do not want to get into this conversation with him right now and not quite sure how to proceed with a topic like this in the near future. We have reached a comfortable stage where we are enjoying plenty of sleep and our days are structured. No sleepless nights, no crying, no teething, no Breastfeeding at 2am. I like that I do live in a structured life and our days go semi smoothly (a few tantrums) but nothing huge. When you see that amazingly adorable pink outfit you will think of me... I will hold back the tears!